Tips for starting porn conversations

Young people in Aotearoa are telling us that they want and need better adult porn conversations, information, and support.

The negative messages from adults often don’t match their own experiences, and can further the stigma and shame around porn and prevent them from seeking the porn-related conversations and care they need (46).

Here are some tips for on how to approach an initial conversation and some conversations starters.

Tips for approaching an initial conversation

Reduce Shame

Take a curious, questioning, and non-judgmental approach. Avoid binary language such as ‘good/bad’ or ‘right/wrong’ See shame-reduction tips in Principle 3.

Listen Well

Allow a young person to share their perspective and experiences. Use open questions that start with ‘what’ and ‘how’ and listen with empathy.

Take the Lead

Where appropriate, take the lead if you think a young person is experiencing any porn-related concerns. Many young people feel awkward or ashamed about raising the topic of porn, but this doesn’t mean they don’t want or need to talk about it.

Model an Acceptance of Sexuality and Gender Diversity

Some rainbow young people may be exploring sexuality and gender identity through porn before they have publicly shared their identity. Modelling an acceptance of diversity is important so rainbow young people don’t face additional barriers in asking for help because they are nervous about a health professional’s response.

Tailor the Convo

Always consider a young person’s age, sexual development, sexual experience, culture, and porn exposure – and tailor the conversation accordingly. See Principle 6.

Use Open Questions

If a young person feels uncomfortable talking about their own experience with porn, start by asking about the views of their wider social circle and peers. Use open-ended questions to allow them to share their views and to encourage critical thinking.

Practice

Consider some professional face-to-face training with your organisation or team if you want to practice porn conversations in the workplace and increase your confidence.

Tools to help: For tips on how to keep the conversation going and build critical thinking see Resource 2.2: Building Critical Thinking.

Question starters:

We see a lot of young people who come across porn these days – what are your views on it?

A lot of people use porn to learn about sex – what do you think it teaches people about sex?

How do you think porn might be different than real-life sex How do you think?

Do your friends talk about porn? What do you think about it?

Do you think porn can influence real-life sex (ideas, experiences)? In what ways?

Wider Sexuality Education Questions

Some young people may want to explore other elements of porn they’ve seen, or sexual questions about pleasure, body diversity, kinks, or fantasies. It’s helpful to use open questioning, avoid binary responses, and refer young people to resources or other services in areas where you lack expertise. Bish offers good information on wider sex topics.

“I think there’s a really big taboo around it. That’s the reason why I don’t talk about it with my parents or the adults in my life. I don’t feel comfortable talking about something that I feel like I’d get told off for it, [and] I’ll get judged for it.”

Male, 15 years