So what’s the difference between great sex and porn sex?

We all want great sex and we know that consent, emotional connection, pleasure and feeling safe are a key part of this. So how do they compare…?

“I definitely think it’s a good thing realising that sex and real life is different from porn – you kinda get this sense of freedom.”
—NZ male, 20 yrs (47)

GOT CONSENT?

SOOO YES!

You may think… great, here comes another consent speech. But seriously, beyond #metoo, saying “yes” is an important part of great sex, and it’s actually the law.

Consent means...

…your partner is all good with every part of sex – you don’t need to worry, you’re safe, and knowing your partner is into it makes it so much better for you both.

YEAH… NAH

You prob don’t need to be told “porn is not real kids” but we’re going to tell you anyway, because this is important. Porn is not real kids.

It’s all an act

Porn sex is performed by actors and there isn’t much “yes” or consent at all in porn sex. In fact, heaps of porn makes pressuring someone into sex or lack-of consent look sexy – and then actors act their enjoyment. This gives pretty messed up messages about consent and how important it is for great sex. It’s pretty easy to understand consent – if someone’s not fully into it saying “yes”, it’s a no.

SOOO YES!

You may think… great, here comes another consent speech. But seriously, beyond #metoo, saying “yes” is an important part of great sex, and it’s actually the law. 

Consent means your partner is all good with everything – you don’t need to worry, you’re safe, and knowing your partner is into it makes it so much better for you both.

YEAH… NAH

It’s not like you have to be told “porn is not real kids” but we’re going to tell you anyway, because this is important. Porn is not real kids.

It’s all an act! Porn sex is performed by actors and there isn’t much “yes” or consent at all in porn sex. In fact, heaps of porn makes pressuring someone into sex or lack-of consent look sexy – and then actors act their enjoyment. This gives pretty messed up messages about consent and how important it is for great sex. It’s pretty easy to understand consent – if it’s not yes, it’s no.

EMOTIONAL CONNECTION?

TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE

Yep, trust an emotional connection and liking the other person are important foundations for a good time.

When you’re connected, sex is way more likely to be awesome...

you can say what you like or don’t like, there’s no pressure to act or look a certain way, and you can both feel comfortable.

THE SCREEN’S YOUR LOVER

With porn, it’s just a ‘me, myself and I’ situation. It’s just a physical thing – it’s a spectator sport, there’s no emotional connection.

NOT THE REAL DEAL...

Porn might give you a quick fix, but it’s a poor replacement for being emotionally and sexually connected with someone. And the more time you spend focused on your own wants and needs, the harder it can be to be satisfied with a real person.

TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE

Yep, trust and emotional connection are important foundations for a good time in the bedroom – you’re “feeling the love.”

When you’re connected, sex is way more likely to be awesome… you can say what you like or don’t like, there’s no pressure to act or look a certain way, and you both feel good about it.

THE SCREEN’S YOUR LOVER

With porn, it’s just a ‘me, myself and I’ situation. Sex is just a physical transaction – it’s a spectator sport, there’s no partner and there’s no emotional connection.

Porn might give you a quick fix, but it’s a poor replacement for being emotionally and sexually connected with someone. And the more time you spend focused on your own wants and needs, the harder it is to be satisfied with a real person.

PLEASURE?

HITTING THE HIGHS

Great sex should feel good …

It’s about the sweet spot of giving and receiving pleasure: you care for each other and you can talk about what you want and don’t want. There are realistic expectations – and no one is pressured to do things they aren’t into just for the other partner. The expectation is always that it will feel good for you both.

JUST PRETENDING

The thing with porn is that the more you watch, the more ‘normal’ you think it is …

Porn shapes expectations from surgically altered bodies, to faked enjoyment and aggressive sex, porn is just not realistic and can lead to disappointment and/or downright failure in the bedroom. Watching lots of porn can end up taking the pleasure out of the real deal – with guys not being able to ‘get it up’ anymore, girls disliking their bodies, feelings of inadequacy compared to what’s on screen and/or trying things that are degrading or painful in real life..

HITTING THE HIGHS

Great sex should feel good.

IT’S PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH PARTNERS…

because the stars are aligned… you’re with someone you care about, you can talk about what you want, you’re safe, you have realistic expectations, you both consent and there’s heaps of mutual respect.

JUST PRETENDING

The thing with porn is that the more you watch, the more ‘normal’ you think it is…

PORN SHAPES EXPECTATIONS…

The thing with porn is that the more you watch, the more ‘normal’ you think it is… from perfect bodies, to faked enjoyment and aggressive sex, porn shapes our expectations. These things are pretty different to real life sex and can lead to disappointment and/or downright failure.

Watching lots of porn can end up taking the pleasure out of the real deal – whether its not being able to ‘get it up’ anymore, disliking your body, feelings of inadequacy compared to what’s on screen and/or trying things that are degrading or painful in real life.

SAFE?

NO WORRIES

Safe sex means you make your own decisions, you’re listened to and you can say stop at any point – even if your partner is really into it.

GREAT SEX IS ALWAYS SAFE; PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY…
You’re physically comfortable; you can talk about using contraception; and you can feel good about the type of sex you are having, with no lingering worries or regret afterwards. You feel emotionally respected and your partner makes you feel good about your gender, sexuality and culture.

STRAIGHT UP DODGY

Straight up. Porn sex is often not ‘safe’. Condoms are often not used and a lot of porn is violent, verbally aggressive and degrading.

PORN CAN BE RACIST AND SEXIST
There can be sexism, domination and power imbalances in heterosexual, gay and lesbian porn – and porn actors are paid to look like they are enjoying it, even if it’s painful or degrading. So, you get the message…. lots of porn sex just isn’t that safe. It doesn’t show what people actually like or want – so if you think you’re learning some great sex techniques from porn, it might go downhill when it comes to the real thing.

NO WORRIES

Great sex is always safe; physically and emotionally…

GREAT SEX IS ALWAYS SAFE; PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY…

Great sex means you make your own decisions, you’re listened to, you’re not worried about getting pregnant or STIs (sexually transmitted infections), you’re physically comfortable, you trust the other person, and there are no lingering worries about what happens ‘after’.

Sex tip: If sex is hurting or feeling uncomfortable then press pause. It’s not good for your body or your relationship.

STRAIGHT UP DODGY

Straight up. Porn sex is often not ‘safe’. Condoms are hardly ever used and a lot of porn is violent, verbally aggressive and degrading.

PORN CAN BE RACIST AND SEXIST

There’s TONS of family/”step” sex in porn, which is actually illegal. It can also be racist and reinforce stereotypes – often with one person having all the power in most genres.

Porn actors are paid to just sit back and take it – and to pretend they are enjoying it, even if it’s painful and degrading.

So, you get the message… lots of porn sex just isn’t that safe. Or Legal. It doesn’t show what people actually like or want – so if you think you’re learning some great sex techniques from porn, it might go downhill when it comes to the real thing.