Whānau
Well done on finding your way to our website…
You’re not alone in trying to understand the porn phenomenon! It’s not always easy keeping on top of young people’s rapidlychanging online world – but if you want some facts, resources, convo tips, help, or just want to learn more.. you’re in the right place.
So welcome, have a look around, and hopefully there’s something here to help.
Richie Hardcore, NZ Social Change Campaigner
First up, if you want to start a ‘porn conversation’ with a young person in your life, it’s a good idea to be prepared…
Here’s a great way to get started, which we’ve called ‘BLAT’.
B.l.a.t.
Breathe. Learn. Ally. Talk and take action.
Preparing for talking about porn with your child is really important. If you rush into it, there’s a risk your child might feel uncomfortable or misunderstood and may close down any conversation. So settle in, here are a few tips…
BREATHE
Drop your shoulders and take a deep breath…
You might be experiencing all sorts of emotions when you think of your child or teen seeing porn, but try not to stress too much. Most young people come across porn these days – but with good conversations they can make great choices about it. Young people watch porn for lots of different reasons; curiosity; to learn about sex; for fun; pressure from friends; or they might have just come across it accidentally. Whatever the reason, watching porn has become a pretty ‘normal’ part of growing up now and it doesn’t mean your child is ‘bad’.
ALLY & ASK
It’s important that your child knows you are their ally and on the same team as them…
with the same goals – having healthy relationships and a great future sex life. Young people need to feel safe, free to share their views and know they’re not going to get in trouble for being honest.
So, we recommend starting with a curious, questioning approach.
Ask open questions – ones that start with what, how, why and require more than a yes or no answer. Get their perspective on porn and listen with empathy. Before you dive into asking about their own porn use, start with asking them about their friends usage or views on porn. Below are some links to convo starters that will help with the convo.
Learn
Before you rush into a porn conversation with your teenager, upskill on today’s porn culture…
…it will go a long way in feeling confident! Learn what kind of porn young people are watching; how much is out there; the messages in it and how things have changed since the Playboy days. Read The Facts for Adults, or Can Porn Affect Us? and check out the Parent Resources and General Resources to find out more from some of the latest research, books, websites and video clips.
TALK AND TAKE ACTION
When you feel ready to talk to your child about porn, click below for Talking with Teens or Talking with Children/Tweens for specific conversation starters and topics.
When you feel ready to start talking check out Talking with Teens or Talking with Children/Tweens for specific conversation tools. Internet filters can also be really helpful for home computers and devices and we recommend Safe Surfer. Your teenager may feel annoyed about this if they’ve gone years without filters, so to talk to them calmly about it beforehand, explaining your ‘why’ and getting their views.
And finally check out our Need Help? page if you’re looking for extra support or counsellors in your area.
Breathe
Drop your shoulders and take a deep breath. You might be experiencing all sorts of emotions if you’ve just found out your child is watching porn, but try not to stress about it. Most young people come across porn online these days – it’s almost impossible to miss with unlimited availability and ease of access on personal devices. Your child may have searched for porn because they heard friends talking about it and were curious, they might have wanted to learn more about sex, or they may have come across it accidentally. Whatever the reason, watching porn has now become a ‘normal’ part of youth culture, and it doesn’t mean your child is ‘bad’.
Learn
Before you rush into a porn conversation with your teenager, upskill on today’s porn culture – it will go a long way with gaining credibility when you talk with them. Learn what kind of porn young people are watching; how much is out there; the messages they are getting from porn and how things have changed since the Playboy days. Read our PORN 101 fact sheet, or Can porn affect us? and check out the Parent Resources and general Resources to find out more from some of the latest research, books, websites and video clips.
Ally & Ask
It’s important that your child knows you are their ally and on the same team as them, with the same long-term goal – having healthy relationships and a great future sex life. For any constructive conversation, young people need to feel safe, free to share their views and know they’re not going to get in trouble for being honest.
So, we recommend starting with a curious, questioning approach. Before you dive straight into asking about their porn use, start with asking them about their friends, about the attitudes of their peers towards porn, their access to porn and how they feel about it? Ask open questions – ones that start with what, how, why and require more than a yes or no answer. Aim to get their perspective on porn and listen with empathy.
Talk and Take action
When you feel ready to talk to your child about porn, click below for Talking with Teens or Talking with Children/Tweens for specific conversation starters and topics.
We also recommend taking action by getting internet filters, talking to other families and getting help if needed. Internet filters can be really helpful for home computers and devices (cell phones, tablets) and we recommend Safe Surfer. Your teenager may feel annoyed about this if they’ve gone years without filters, so remember to talk to them calmly about it beforehand.
It can also be helpful to talk with other parents and ask about their experiences with porn and young people, as they might be able to suggest some strategies that have worked well for their families. And finally check out our Need Help? page if you’re looking for extra support or counsellors in your area.
Check out these resources that can help equip you…
—Anon young person, TLP ITK survey
Porn: The Facts for Adults
Talking with children/tweens
The basics for starting a conversation about porn with your child/tween including what porn is, why they should avoid it and strategies on what to do if they see it.