Shame reduction

Shame reduction is an essential tool when engaging with young people struggling with problematic porn usage.

Research with young people in Aotearoa identified barriers to having supportive and open conversations include the taboo and stigma around sex and porn, the fear of punishment, and how these things lead to feelings of guilt or shame (46).
Using a curious and compassionate approach can help reduce shame and open up porn conversations.

Shame-reduction tips include:

Use open, empathetic, and enquiring language

Listen with empathy

Allow a young person to openly share their perspective.

Take a curious, sensitive and non-judgmental approach

Avoid showing shock or surprise

Avoid binary language

when discussing porn such as ‘good/bad’ or ‘right/wrong’.

If shame is not addressed, it can be a driver to further porn use since watching porn may be used as ‘comfort-seeking behaviour’ to manage negative emotions. Research suggests cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness are the most effective therapeutic strategies for managing shame.

Normalise young people’s experiences

Many young people describe feeling uncomfortable with what they see in porn – but still being aroused by it, which can result in shame around porn usage. Normalising any response to porn (curious, uncomfortable, excited, aroused – or all of these at the same time) can help reduce shame and open conversations.

Affirm a young person’s strengths

and help-seeking behaviour.

Model respect

for diverse sexualities and genders, as Rainbow young people may be accessing porn as part of a ‘coming out’ process and may need support with this.

“There’s like a big taboo around it… That’s why a lot of people don’t want to talk about it with the adults because it just feels like we’ll get majorly judged for it, if that makes sense.”

Male, 15 years